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Instructions Posted At A Local Golf Club
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
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Golfer's Heaven
There was a guy who was an avid golfer. He played golf every chance he got; in the rain, in the cold, he even used black balls to play when there was snow on the ground. His wife joked, half in jest, that she was a golf widow and she really wouldn't miss her husband all that much if he died before her, for he was never around anyhow. He spent all his spare money on golf items and gadgets; trick exploding balls, tees with no indentation on the top so the golf ball would roll off it, towels with witty golf sayings on them and all kinds of golf hats.
One night he was in bed asleep after having played 36-holes of golf that day. He was tired but he dreamed of replaying the whole round. Suddenly his dream was interrupted by the appearance of an angel. It was an angel like he had seen in Bible drawings and other art work depicting angels. He was instantly awake.
The angel, with a full set of wings and wearing a long flowing white robe, stood at the foot of his bed. "John," the angel said.
"Yes, what is it? You are an angel, aren't you?" John asked.
"Of course I'm an angel. You don't think I'd normally walk around in this silly costume, do you? In fact, I'm your guardian angel," the angel replied.
"Does that mean I get three wishes?" John asked.
"No, I'm not that kind of guardian angel," the heavenly being answered. "As you know, John, you're getting on in years and you don't have as much time left on earth as you once did. Although I can't grant wishes for you, I can answer questions you might have about the hereafter. You do believe in the hereafter, don't you, John?"
"Oh yes and I've been good, with maybe the possible exception of having played too much golf in my lifetime," John replied.
"Playing golf is like going fishing," replied the angel. "There is no such thing as playing too much golf or going fishing too often. Do you have any questions about heaven?"
"As a matter of fact, I do," answered John. "I've often wondered if there are any golf courses in heaven. Can you answer that question for me?"
"John, no one has ever asked me that question before. I'll have to go back and check on it. Go back to sleep and I'll be back in about 20 minutes." With that, the angel disappeared. John rubbed his eyes and opened them again. The angel was gone and John wondered if he had just had a weird dream. He rolled over on his side and was soon snoring softly again.
True to his word, the angel reappeared within 20 minutes. "John," the angel called.
John woke up to see the angel again standing at the foot of his bed. "Oh, you're back."
"Yes, John, I'm back and I have the answer to your question. But before I tell you, I have to advise that the answer is in two parts, good news and bad news. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
"Oh dear, I suppose give me the good news first," responded John.
"Okay, the good news is there are golf courses in heaven. All the courses have been designed by Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus. There are no greens fees and electric carts are provided at no charge. You have the choice of any brand of clubs you desire. Each course has 36-holes. The greens are always freshly mowed, the sand traps freshly raked, the roughs aren't too high and you never lose a ball in the water for the balls float. When you hit a ball into the woods they always ricochet back into the middle of the fairway. And on every par three hole you will score a hole-in-one. Yes, you will have a wonderful time playing golf in heaven."
"Oh, that sounds wonderful. With all that good news what could the bad news possibly be?" John wondered aloud.
"The bad news is you have a nine o'clock tee time tomorrow morning."
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Fresh Memory
Fred, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
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Heavenly Golf
A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. "Right over here we have our very own golf course!" said the angel.
"Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?!" they both exclaimed.
"Sure," said the angel.
So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong.
"I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"
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Fatal Provisional
A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death.
"We were on the third hole," the widower relates.
"My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up."
The coroner replies That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?
'`Oh," says the man, "that was my provisional."
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Get A Grip
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" Asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35 feet.
"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."
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20 Laws of Golf
These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words laid out here.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
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Rules for Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request. (Course time is Four to Five Hours)
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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Moses and Jesus Play Golf
Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,
"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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On Driving:
**When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
**Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. Most consider
it unsafe, if not downright stupid...
**When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
**Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially while
driving.
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Category: Redneck Jokes
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A young ventriloquist is touring in the Southeast and stops to entertain in a bar in Alababma. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in he audience stands and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes--we ain't all stupid here in Alabama!!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interupts him and say,"You stay out of this mister--I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"
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Signs you may be a "High-Tech" Redneck
*If your computer has a sticker on it that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
*If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone
*If your wife said either the computer goes or she goes and you still don't miss her.
*If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
*If you refer to your computer as "Old Bessie"
*If your e-mails all start with "Howdy y'all"
*If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
*If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
*If the bumper sticker on your truck says "my other computer is a laptop".
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Redneck Computer Lingo
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
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What does a redneck say after having sex?
Get off me Pa its Uncle Bobs turn now.
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Q. What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
A. Bisexual.
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Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Q. How do you tell a Redneck virgin?
A. She can run faster than her brother!
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Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
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At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
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The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
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