Jokes
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Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
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Category: St. Patrick's Day Jokes
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Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
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Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
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It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
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Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"
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The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
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Jimmy-Joe acquired an injury whilst tap dancing. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."
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"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
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Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick."
Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."
A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected."
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?"
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There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
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Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
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