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Burger joint conversations nationwide

M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."

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Spoofs on college names

In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.

Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.

Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.

Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

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The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot of incorrect information.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

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Fifty fun things to do during an exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

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Rules for apartment living

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.

a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes

b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this

3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).

4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.

5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.

6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let other less important people do that.

7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!

8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!

9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?

10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is free for all Summer Interns.

11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime they go to the bathroom.

12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.

13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.

14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them when she leaves town--then don't bother wasting your time feeding them. They're only fish, and they probably won't need to eat anyway.

15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??

16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn't want to use her pot anyway.

17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.

18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've given it away either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for giving it to them.

19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:

a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city

b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible

c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that you had.

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Are you ready for college?

The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don?t have any clean socks. You:

a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don?t make your eyes water.

b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.

c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.

d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.

2) In order to afford a decent apartment you?ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:

a. They don?t own an accordion.

b. Their main goal in life isn?t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.

c. When they tell you they love smokin? rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.

d. They don?t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people too."

3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it?s two hours before the paper is due and you haven?t even written the first line. You:

a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.

b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."

c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole? days when it wasn?t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.

d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.

4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you?re made of. Your biggest goal is:

a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.

b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.

c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn?t begin with 1-900.

d. To prove illiteracy isn?t necessarily a drawback.

5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:

a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"

b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.

c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.

d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won?t have any friends who?ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.

6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it?s crucial that, on your college application you don?t mention:

a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political prisoner."

b. You haven?t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.

c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.

d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.

7) It?s a generally considered a bad sign if:

a. You?re asked to pledge "Geek."

b. MIT tells you they?ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.

c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.

d. An aptitude shows you?re best qualified to be homeless.

8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:

a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.

b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.

c. You have no hope since you?ve never passed as much as a urine test.

d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you?re paying attention.)

9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:

a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.

b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.

c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you?ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey?s syrup.

d. Speak in tongues.

10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:

a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.

b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)

c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)

d. All of the below.


Scoring your test:

For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.

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Fifty fun things for professors to do on the first day of class:

1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

3. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

8. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

19. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

40. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

41. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

42. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

43. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

44. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

45. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

46. Address students as "worm".

47. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

48. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

49. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

50. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!

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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
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The following are only learned from college

1. Quarters are like gold.

2. Be creative in the dining hall.

3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos

7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

9. Showers become less important.

10. Sleep becomes more important.

11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").

13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).

14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).

15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.

17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.

18. You begin to nap again (also not new).

19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

21. Labs used to be fun.

22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.

24. E-mail becomes your second language.

25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.

31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

33. Pick up all new lingo.

34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.

42. It was never this bad when you got sick.

43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!

46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.

53. Disney movies are more than just classics.

54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.

60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

61. You almost forget how to drive.

62. You'll drink anything if it's free..

63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.

64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.

67. You never realized how cool you can be.

68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.

70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.

83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.

86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

87. Classes: the later the better.

88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.

89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.

90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.

92. You just don't learn last names.

93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

97. Boys will dance in college.

98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

99. You are never alone.

100. You find out what beer sludge is.

101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.

103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

106. You never realized how quiet your house was.

107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

110. Your life will never be the same again.

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

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A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

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A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

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Freshmen versus seniors

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

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As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.

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Tips to improve your writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

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This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as "your excellency".

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

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Are you a tehcnical geek?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.

You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .

When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"

When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.

When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.

When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.

When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

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