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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
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Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
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Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
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Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
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Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
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Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
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Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
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Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
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Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
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Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
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