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Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
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Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
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Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
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Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
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Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
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Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
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Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
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Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
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Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
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Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
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Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.
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Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small.
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Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
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Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
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Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
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Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
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Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
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Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
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Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
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Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
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