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Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.
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Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
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Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
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Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
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Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.
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The autograph book
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
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Contacting a friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
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Here is your punishment
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
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Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
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Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
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Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
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Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
A: She was known as the deep C diva.
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Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.
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Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
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Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
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Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?
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Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."
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Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.
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