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Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
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Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
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Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities
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Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
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Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
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Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
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Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathisers.
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Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
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Q: What\'s the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.
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Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
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Q: What's an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
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Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
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Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
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Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
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Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
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Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
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Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
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Q. What\'s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
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