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Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!
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What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!
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What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!
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What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
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Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!
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Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!
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Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!
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What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!
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What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
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What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
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Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
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How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
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What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
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If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!
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Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
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Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
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When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
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Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
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Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
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What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!
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