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How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
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What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!
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How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!
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Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!
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What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!
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What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!
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What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!
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Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!
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Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
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Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!
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What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!
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Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!
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Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!
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Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!
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What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!
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Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
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Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
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A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
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It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"
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