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I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
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I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

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When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
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If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
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We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
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I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
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To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
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Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

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I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
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Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
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As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!

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Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
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You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

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If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

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If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

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If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.

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I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

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