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"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."
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"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
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"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"
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"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get."
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"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
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"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."
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"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
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"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..."
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"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."
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"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."
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"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"
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"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
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"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
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"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
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"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
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"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights."
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"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."
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"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
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"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
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