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Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day?"
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
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The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it
Major Technological Breakthrough
- Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
- It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
- We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
- It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
- We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination
- We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
- We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
- We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
- We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
- We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
- The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
- We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.
- Half done.
We predict...
- We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.
- Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.
- 100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.
- It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.
- Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.
- Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability.
- Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements.
- We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
- The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.
- This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.
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Engineering Revisited
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
If you can't fix it -- document it.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
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How engineers do it...
Engineers do it with precision.
Electrical engineers are shocked when they do it.
Electrical engineers do it on an impulse.
Electrical engineers do it with large capacities.
Electrical engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance.
Electrical engineers do it with more power and at higher frequency.
Mechanical engineers do it with stress and strain.
Mechanical engineers do it with less energy and greater efficiency.
Chemical Engineers do it in fluidized beds.
City planners do it with their eyes closed.
Petroleum engineers do it with lubrication.
Reservoir engineers do it thorougly and with lot of simulation.
Drilling engineers do it with smooth penetration aided by lubrication, frequent short wiper tripps, and at the end slug is pumped before they pull out.
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You Might Be an Engineer if...
your favorite James Bond character is "Q".
you see a good design and still have to change it.
you still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
your family haven't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map.
you think the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
you think "cuddling" is simply an unproductive application of heat exchange
you have owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
you make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
you have trouble writing anything unless the paper has horizontal and vertical lines.
your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
you think the value of a book is directly proportionate to the amount of tables, charts and graphs it contains.
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How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a second year subject.
How many second year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
How many third year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Will this question be in the final examination?"
How many civil engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."
How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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