We are goint to meet soon! Heelp! Post a Reply | Views: 586 | Started By: Taira | Replies: 8 Am waiting for an important item to come in the mail at the momment. Am hoping it will come. Soon. Am waiting for a little piece of necessary id so I can board my plane and fly down to visit someone who has become my closest friend. I plan on staying for a week. And as the trip comes nearer...certain questions are coming up that I want to hear some thoughts on.Some of you will have read about some of my experiences in regards to men and sex in general. And see, even though part of me is very much looking forward to that aspect of our relationship...if it goes that way....part of me is thinking and rethinking and wondering.My background (very briefly I hope)...have been through the mill with regards to 'sex'. Taken almost right from the cradle I have almost never had this little thing that some women prize so much. (the V word). For so long, I was angry about that. Was married...and divorced...and for so much of my relationships...sex has always been a wierd thing. Has been so frequently used as a method of control and torture.... partly because of me and my 'issues' (past) but also because of the people I was with. For past few years I have been basically alone. Have not even truly been 'sexual' in a way for a good part. About 5 years ago I started working on the 'healing' thing....learning how to masterbate...learning about my own body, stuff like that. Because sometime in my life.....I would very much like to know what a true, loving relationship is all about.....like from first hand experience...experiencing the good one.....not just the bad.He is 7 years younger than me. One of those 'nice guys' who have always been relegated to the 'friend' role. Someone who was over-weight and maybe 'funny looking' in high school.....one of the 'out crowd'. I guess he was one of those that us girls were mean to...using him to talk about the rotten ones that hurt us...and then saying those dredded words....'lets just be friends'....if he dared approach a relationship thing.He has been with a woman once. As he left high school and went to college....he handled his loneliness and stuff by eating. The more he ate, the heavier he got and the less he would try, and the less he liked himself let alone others. Vicious cycle. But one I can certainly understand. His one night with a woman...he says he enjoyed....but it was only one night. We are both spiritual people. Right now a big part of the 'problem' is tackling this upcoming trip. When I first started talking to him a year and a half or so ago...it was on a mud. We became friends through our characters although nothing sexual. At the time of our net introduction.....well, back then he was just coming to realize his own issues with food and body and ready to do something about it. And for me...at that time....I was just not sexual at all. I was healing still and at a place in my life where honestly, although I knew girls and boys were different......I really didn't KNOW it. Like, any guy that showed any interest in me where basically annoying because I did not want to deal with those kinds of feelings for a while. I was dealing with work stuff, kid stuff...and was very happy on my own. As I am basically.He was one of those people who whenever things seemed to hit rough waters......he would appear on line and was available to talk. Not sure how that happened because he is not on all that much. Just did. He wasn't one who would 'fix' the problem. Sometimes I would get annoyed with him. At that time I was angry with God. All these kids. All this pain. And still.......And he would suggest very gently to pray. I would tell him why I was so angry with God....talk alot about God...and over the time.....well....I did pray. again. and things did get better.See, I became a Christian when I was thirteen years old. I remember that day. I was at a rally and had been thinking about it for a long time...wondering if I 'gave everything up to God' would He stop me playing music? Take away the things I loved. I decided it was a good choice....and at that rally I prayed and accepted Jesus as my Savior....did the whole nine yards thing. And then....as arranged by my parents....I was picked up from there to go for a weeks lessons with my Pipe Major. He was much older than me and I was very naive. Basically, that week....I 'had sex' for the first conscious time. I was told I wasn't a virgin. That confused me. I was told to relax.... it was a terrible experience to go through, but I did. I knew from watching my sister refuse what happened to girls who didn't and I wanted SO much for my father to be proud of me...and being in that band was my ticket to that. I knew it was wrong. Part of me cried out. I was told not to be so silly. And threatened if I ever told.....things would happen to him, his wife, his children and my family. I told my sister.....who told my parents.....who said I was a slut if I did but they didn't believe it. And a piece in me died I think then.I thought that for sure I was condemned to hell. And to a large part I have wrestled with this ever since. And now, after so many years....after being alone and succeeding in that respect....after learning to stop those feelings of shame and fear that always seemed to surface as soon as I got even aroused.....after so, so much.....I am making plans to go down and see this person.I feel torn inside with what to do. I listen to some advice that says 'wait for marriage'....well, I never had that chance you know? I've given advise that if you wanna know he is there for you.....don't have sex....and at the same time I think of him....of him going through school and being told so often....lets just be friends. I don't wanna be just friends. He has actually been a big part of my sexual healing already.....the cybering....helping me to stay focused even though never physically there in the room. (Oh, we finally became a couple several months ago...).....What are the ramifications for him....if I tell him ' I wanna wait to do that' for this and this reason.....when part of me wants to so much? I certainly don't wanna hurt him at all.Yet at the same time I come back to this thought. Will God be mad or disappointed with me if we do? See, all through...I figured that God was angry, disappointed....so much with me....because of the experiences I had. And now I don't wanna blow this one by going down that road again. Part of me so much wants to explore all of this with him. Part of me says....wait....Like other things aside....even though we have been sexual on the net.....we have not yet met. When I see him for the first time, part of me wonders will 'that' be the first date? Or are things different with the cyber thing? We did talk some about this tonight....his suggestion was to pray...and get some sleep...and we can talk more tomorrow. He wrestles with this one too. Am interested in hearing from those of you who waited for marriage. From those of you who DO believe....because whats most important to me here is the possible ramifications of either choice. For him and for myself. I am 'prepared'....in that I got the all clear from the doctor....got my shot....and he's done the same (minus the shot thingie). Yet I don't wanna blow what could potentially be a really special relationship...by either getting too horny and then regretting it......or by sitting back and waiting...and possibly hurting him by doing that. Spiritually, emotionally, friendship wise....we have a very good foundation. We are still building, but it is good. Anyways.....am gonna go pray about it. Think about it. And sleep on it. And see what food for thought I get from you guys.

Main / Internet Dating Experience

Pages:    Prev    1   2     God people worry me, more seems to happen to them than to anybody else. Perhaps your parents should have spent more time helping you build a foundation for life than probably praying. You have had it tough, emotionally. I hope this fat guy isn't a creapy predator working his way through a bunch of God fearing emotionally unstable vulnerable desperate for kindness, females. The God thing is an easy way for the twisted person to work their way into the confidence of the naive person. Any critism of the scripture muncher is not appreciated by the wishful. I am not saying that any of this applies to you. Hope it all goes well for you. It would be terrible to get a set-back after all the work you have put into yourself. Responded: beast   First, I want to thank everyone who has responded. So much of what has been said is true. Or, rather, is a truth that deep down I agree with.If the id comes on time, I will be going down. I have read and re-read that little file on the safe thing and have been watching and listening each step of the way. Part of the reason for going down there is to find out if what I've seen and heard from him is true. It started out as a place to go for a holiday. See, I've gotten lots of offers to visit people on here, girls and guys....and I've never given myself the opportunity to take any of them up. Despite the results to the contrary, I have always been one to live life by the safe route. And so for me, this whole thing feels extremely daring. Part of the reason to go to this particular place, is to see if all is as it should be. If he is who he protrays himself to be, then I should be able to see that...and hear that...even if more from what he doesn't say, and isn't said...than by what is. And, I want to see if the feelings grow or lessen after the 'seeing'.It began as another friend of mine ended up over seas in Kuwait. And with writing to him and watching him.....something happened where I found myself really rethinking and revisiting so much of what has happened. Of looking not only at what happened, but at my choices....and at how little faith I often seemed to have. I have taken a few precautions. Working at on of the larger information centers in North America does have a few advantages. Early on, when I started realizing that I liked liked this guy...I did as much of a check on him as I could...where he lives, works....that kind of thing.I have a few pictures of him, and we've done the cam thing and the phone thing often enough that I'm not expecting any surprises of that kind. The weight thing.....this may sound dumb.....but in a way, the weight thing.....and watching how he has dealt with it for the past year since he made the decision to do something......is something that has helped me to build trust. He has lost an incredible amount of weight.....over 1/2 of what he was and is soon to be at his optimal weight where he 'just' has to do 'maintenance'. My friends have seen the pictures too. Have his phone number, the number of where I am staying, his address, phone number of place of work etc etc. I am not expecting anything really nasty to happen....though, as much as I can be, I am prepared for that should it happen.I guess what I was really hoping for (and got ) was validation for what I was feeling inside. See, even though I'm certain that God is not angry with me now....it is even more important now that I be doing things the 'right' way rather than the wrong. And so often in the past....the 'wrong' way was made 'right' and the 'right' was made 'wrong'. (I hope at least some of you can understand what Imean by that.) I've had guys try and tell me that 'oh, its right. I think God wants us to be togther.....etc, etc...and then disappear pretty quickly when I didn't. I even had one guy give me a book on sex in the christian relationship...and I read it and agreed with so much of what it had to say. It was an eye-opener and talked to much about things from 'MY" background.....and how much it could hurt the husband if I allowed that to continue.....only thing I don't think the guy was really prepared for me to keep saying that the book says we have to be married first. He split too.I don't think this guy is going to do that. Don't know for sure. You never know till it happens.....even though I think that somewhere deep down you do......I honestly don't get that feeling from him. We talked more about this. Phonecall though this time....not type. I showed him this post..as I show him alot of what I write....and his response was.....probably best wait for marriage then. And a part of me was like cheering silently in my head. I hope it gets that far....I honestly hope it does. But, I hope too, that if nothing else I can take from this trip is the knowledge that I can go somewhere, make a healthier choice..have fun....and come back feeling happy that I went down there.So, now the thing to decide is what kind of activities we can do and can't do. This might sound completely nuts....but I feel as green about dating as a kid on her first date. Its something I just never did. I was always so busy that I seldom gave guys a chance. It wasn't so much that I wasn't interested....I was just honestly too busy. I made it into that band....then a better one..then one of the best bands in all of Canada and Scotland....heck we placed 3rd in the worlds. That took work. I went from there....and learned another instrument...got my scholarship and made it into the university orchestra....first year student. That took work. Once the kids came along...it was work too. Singing in night clubs to pay my way through school once I left the husband...taking full course load....raising children....and doing counselling. I have done assault counselling, family counselling, violence counselling (the womens side), taken assertiveness courses, more 'feelings' counselling....done alanon (still do), acoa....as much as I can...because so much about healing from this is passing it on. And yet one of the hardest things to do, is to listen to what you say to others....and apply it to your own life.And yes, Yvonne, you are right. There is only so much one can internalize at a time. Like, even though intellectually I knew that what happened on the night my first child was conceived was rape....I never really 'knew' it at the 'gut' level untill I was much, much older....and experienced a situation inwhich I was clearly saying yes. Through the experience of pulling someone towards me and saying 'yes'... in that momment...I was able to understand the difference...and realize just how I had tried to push and say 'no'... To all extensive purposes...that 'memory invasion' sort of wrecked that nights experience..and because that person was unable to understand that the tears were from the past and not the present...well...that relationship ended soon after then too.The person I eventually want to be with....has to be a person who is grounded enough in his own sense of self..to be able to put up with a lot from me. Because so much memory is locked up in 're-inactment' I am aware that once I do reach the level of trust that is required for true 'exploration' , well....in a nut shell, all hell is likely to break lose inside of myself. And I need the other person to be strong enough to be able to handle that. He, too, will have to be trusting enough and grounded enough in God that he is able to do the man's part in this whole love thing. Is this guy that person? I honestly don't know. But I know that if I wanted to...I could sabotage any chance of finding that out...just by convincing myself that all I really want is a fun-filled week and to heck with the consequences. And at some level, I have to admit that that is very, very tempting...because working on laying the proper groundwork....daring to hope and wait and build for the 'real' thing.....is pretty darned scary.That was one of the reasons I posted. I remember answering a post in here...saying its so simple....if you wanna know if a guy is there for more than sex...DON'T have sex with him.....and I gave some reasons. Lol.....and that started me thinking....and the whole lot of tapes started going you know? And I remembered some of my answers to a few questions in the sex part of this place.... and to all extensive purposes....I am as naive as anyone is who has never gone down this route before. So, now the thing to figure out...is just what is 'okay' and what isn't. I want him to know that I do like him sexually.....(if, of course, it turns out in person that I do)...that I do accept him as a man.....just that I want the time to take things slowly so that we give eachother a chance....so that if its meant to be....this relationship will be built on the solidest of foundations that there can be. Anyways.... rambled on far, far too much again.But thankyou all so much for your input. Responded: Taira   Hmm. I'm not married, but as a Christian that has dealt with some sexual issues in my past, maybe I can ramble a bit here.The bible says we should wait to have sex until we are married. The bible also says that if you catch your wife cheating you stone her to death and that the price for X is three donkeys, and so on. Logically, it's smart to wait until marriage. That way children will not be conceived by accident, and you will give that gift to the person you love enough to stay with forever.Emotionally and physically, however, it can be difficult.I'm still wavering on this issue myself, as my boyfriend and I are both Christian and yes, we have sex. We both agree that if we didn't love each other or intend to stay together and marry, we wouldn't feel right about having sex. Since we ARE committed, and DO plan on a future, I suppose we somehow justify it.My only advice is that if you do have any doubts, don't do it. But talk to him about what you are feeling. Tell him you are sexually attracted to him and want to build a future, but that you want to take things slowly because sex is so important to you. He stuck it out losing weight, so that tells me he's a patient man. I'm willing to bet he can wait for you. Responded: LiftMeUp   Pages:    Prev    1   2