We are goint to meet soon! Heelp! Post a Reply | Views: 602 | Started By: Taira | Replies: 8 Am waiting for an important item to come in the mail at the momment. Am hoping it will come. Soon. Am waiting for a little piece of necessary id so I can board my plane and fly down to visit someone who has become my closest friend. I plan on staying for a week. And as the trip comes nearer...certain questions are coming up that I want to hear some thoughts on.Some of you will have read about some of my experiences in regards to men and sex in general. And see, even though part of me is very much looking forward to that aspect of our relationship...if it goes that way....part of me is thinking and rethinking and wondering.My background (very briefly I hope)...have been through the mill with regards to 'sex'. Taken almost right from the cradle I have almost never had this little thing that some women prize so much. (the V word). For so long, I was angry about that. Was married...and divorced...and for so much of my relationships...sex has always been a wierd thing. Has been so frequently used as a method of control and torture.... partly because of me and my 'issues' (past) but also because of the people I was with. For past few years I have been basically alone. Have not even truly been 'sexual' in a way for a good part. About 5 years ago I started working on the 'healing' thing....learning how to masterbate...learning about my own body, stuff like that. Because sometime in my life.....I would very much like to know what a true, loving relationship is all about.....like from first hand experience...experiencing the good one.....not just the bad.He is 7 years younger than me. One of those 'nice guys' who have always been relegated to the 'friend' role. Someone who was over-weight and maybe 'funny looking' in high school.....one of the 'out crowd'. I guess he was one of those that us girls were mean to...using him to talk about the rotten ones that hurt us...and then saying those dredded words....'lets just be friends'....if he dared approach a relationship thing.He has been with a woman once. As he left high school and went to college....he handled his loneliness and stuff by eating. The more he ate, the heavier he got and the less he would try, and the less he liked himself let alone others. Vicious cycle. But one I can certainly understand. His one night with a woman...he says he enjoyed....but it was only one night. We are both spiritual people. Right now a big part of the 'problem' is tackling this upcoming trip. When I first started talking to him a year and a half or so ago...it was on a mud. We became friends through our characters although nothing sexual. At the time of our net introduction.....well, back then he was just coming to realize his own issues with food and body and ready to do something about it. And for me...at that time....I was just not sexual at all. I was healing still and at a place in my life where honestly, although I knew girls and boys were different......I really didn't KNOW it. Like, any guy that showed any interest in me where basically annoying because I did not want to deal with those kinds of feelings for a while. I was dealing with work stuff, kid stuff...and was very happy on my own. As I am basically.He was one of those people who whenever things seemed to hit rough waters......he would appear on line and was available to talk. Not sure how that happened because he is not on all that much. Just did. He wasn't one who would 'fix' the problem. Sometimes I would get annoyed with him. At that time I was angry with God. All these kids. All this pain. And still.......And he would suggest very gently to pray. I would tell him why I was so angry with God....talk alot about God...and over the time.....well....I did pray. again. and things did get better.See, I became a Christian when I was thirteen years old. I remember that day. I was at a rally and had been thinking about it for a long time...wondering if I 'gave everything up to God' would He stop me playing music? Take away the things I loved. I decided it was a good choice....and at that rally I prayed and accepted Jesus as my Savior....did the whole nine yards thing. And then....as arranged by my parents....I was picked up from there to go for a weeks lessons with my Pipe Major. He was much older than me and I was very naive. Basically, that week....I 'had sex' for the first conscious time. I was told I wasn't a virgin. That confused me. I was told to relax.... it was a terrible experience to go through, but I did. I knew from watching my sister refuse what happened to girls who didn't and I wanted SO much for my father to be proud of me...and being in that band was my ticket to that. I knew it was wrong. Part of me cried out. I was told not to be so silly. And threatened if I ever told.....things would happen to him, his wife, his children and my family. I told my sister.....who told my parents.....who said I was a slut if I did but they didn't believe it. And a piece in me died I think then.I thought that for sure I was condemned to hell. And to a large part I have wrestled with this ever since. And now, after so many years....after being alone and succeeding in that respect....after learning to stop those feelings of shame and fear that always seemed to surface as soon as I got even aroused.....after so, so much.....I am making plans to go down and see this person.I feel torn inside with what to do. I listen to some advice that says 'wait for marriage'....well, I never had that chance you know? I've given advise that if you wanna know he is there for you.....don't have sex....and at the same time I think of him....of him going through school and being told so often....lets just be friends. I don't wanna be just friends. He has actually been a big part of my sexual healing already.....the cybering....helping me to stay focused even though never physically there in the room. (Oh, we finally became a couple several months ago...).....What are the ramifications for him....if I tell him ' I wanna wait to do that' for this and this reason.....when part of me wants to so much? I certainly don't wanna hurt him at all.Yet at the same time I come back to this thought. Will God be mad or disappointed with me if we do? See, all through...I figured that God was angry, disappointed....so much with me....because of the experiences I had. And now I don't wanna blow this one by going down that road again. Part of me so much wants to explore all of this with him. Part of me says....wait....Like other things aside....even though we have been sexual on the net.....we have not yet met. When I see him for the first time, part of me wonders will 'that' be the first date? Or are things different with the cyber thing? We did talk some about this tonight....his suggestion was to pray...and get some sleep...and we can talk more tomorrow. He wrestles with this one too. Am interested in hearing from those of you who waited for marriage. From those of you who DO believe....because whats most important to me here is the possible ramifications of either choice. For him and for myself. I am 'prepared'....in that I got the all clear from the doctor....got my shot....and he's done the same (minus the shot thingie). Yet I don't wanna blow what could potentially be a really special relationship...by either getting too horny and then regretting it......or by sitting back and waiting...and possibly hurting him by doing that. Spiritually, emotionally, friendship wise....we have a very good foundation. We are still building, but it is good. Anyways.....am gonna go pray about it. Think about it. And sleep on it. And see what food for thought I get from you guys.

Main / Internet Dating Experience

Pages:     1   2    Next     Keep your legs shut toots. Sexual chat on the net is just flirting...its not real and you dont have to feel that as you've given yourself on there that you owe (or have promised) him anything.Quite a few ladies I know that did put out within the first couple of weeks ended up with casual sex mode relationships and ended up feeling used because the men were mainly were looking to fulfill their fantasies (even if they didnt particularly like her on meeting). Hey after all that effort, they thought they might as well use the sitation.If he knows all of your background, even though you say you've turned into a good girl, he would still probably be turned on a little by it. Heartbreaking for you as you had to live it BUT for someone else it might just read like something out of an erotic story. He may also might see you as easy prey....as abused people often see sex as a substitute for real love and jump in quicker than someone that had a good childhood and no mental/emotional scarring. He says he's nice and he sounds nice BUT you dont know him...you only know what he chooses to say about himself. Meet him in public. See how that goes. Dont go to his home or to your place....as that may make the meeting end up in the sack. In your shoes.....after all that you have been through....I would say take it very slowly. I dont know about waiting for marriage BUT waiting a good 6 months before having sex may be a very good idea. If he does fall inlove with you...he'll understand and wait for you to be comfortable. If he doesnt...you know it was just about sex...or the meeting didnt inspire him. If you want to be self destructive then go ahead and have sex BUT remember......the quicker men get what they want, the less they respect or even like you. Be good to yourself..... Responded: Tracy   I came on here cos I have a probem too but now I've read your thread I don't have time to post mine. I'd love to come back later and answer yours though Responded: Fairy   I had to stop and start giving advice because my eyes are filled with tears. First off, you were RAPED. It was taken from you and you didn't do anything wrong. You are not a slut and I personally believe far from it. Anytime when any man forces you to have sex, it is rape. You did what you did to stay alive and I believe that God himself is going to punish that man who forced you to have sex. Just wanted to point that out.Secondly. God loves you. Once you accepted Jesus in your heart..he is right there living inside you. If you feel ANY conviction to wait till marriage...heed to it. That is the holy spirit speaking to your heart about the matter..since I do know that you have prayed about it. You have so many doubts about having sex with this guy that I should tell you NOT to do it. Sex is something to be shared by a husband and wife and not outside of marriage. There are lots of other ways to be 'intimate' without ANY sexual activities. Okay? I will share some of those with you in a minute.Both of you are wrestling with the tempation and since you KNOW the tempation is great..the best thing you can do is to meet some place where there are lots of people around. Like go to a restuaraunt. Just make sure that it is in a public setting. Do NOT be alone with him in the motel room. Don't stay with him at his home. I think that the problem today is that society says that if you don't have sex with the guy, you don't have a true relationship. Relationships really do go deeper than just sex. sex is just something that God has given to man and woman to share within the bounds of marriage and the bed should not be defiled. The reason He wants it this way is because outside of marriage, its just more of lust and not actual love. He wants you to build a relationship learning about the person you are with then if the two of you are meant to be together..then he will join you two within marriage and then you can actually share something together that HE himself has given to you to share that is not meant for anyone else. Its a symbol of love and committment and can be the most beautiful experience that you can imagine. That is something to think about. With all the dangers and everything concerning sexual diseases and unwanted pregnancy..that is why that He wants you to wait for marriage so you don't put yourself at risk to these other things. Makes sense doesn't it.If you KNOW that something isn't right about what you are planning to do..then DON'T go through with it. Things that you can do without having the sexual part of your relationship.1. Have dinner in a public place. Meet there so you won't be alone.2. Go to a movie.3. Go to a zoo.4. Go skating.5. Sit and Talk at a fast food place. 6. When the date is over he can walk you to your car and you can then go your separate ways.Since you met him over the internet...this is the safest way to go. I would say take a friend or two with you and go as a group because you DON'T really know this man at all and what he is like. He could be just telling you things that you WANT to hear and then when he gets you alone..boom thats it. For your safety, go along these guidelines. Don't be alone with him. Even if you do feel comfortable with him...best thing you can do for YOU is NOT to be alone with him. I do hope this helps you and if you would EVER like to pm me..please do. I will answer any questions that you may have regarding this situation. Take care. Responded: Mrs. Aly   Taira,You mentioned that you have had therapy, and/or that you have otherwise tried to work out your issues stemming from some bad childhood experiences, but I don't believe that you have come to terms with those issues yet. I see that you have learned to intellectualize them, but you haven't yet internalized the fact that the residuals of your traumatic experiences are continuing to manifest themselves in almost every aspect of your present life. To wit, you have developed a recueing nature as a result of your experiences. You tend to want to save others with like experiences, but while you are trying to save everyone, you forgot to stop to ask yourself who is going to save you. Well, I am not sure whether I, or anyone else here can, but I do have to join ranks with them and say that you are indeed repeating the cycle, even if in disguise.Interesting, but some people do tend to wear this banner across their foreheads that reads, "choose me as your victim. Please. I am vulnerable." Thus, to the point of this guy you are about to meet for the very first time. Well, before getting into that, let me bluntly ask you a key question: Woman, are you crazy? You don't know this man from Adam's house cat, no matter what you two talked about on the internet, no matter how sincere his words came off to you. Consequently, while you are wracking your brain trying to decide whether or not to become intimate with him, you should be thinking about whether this man is the definitive whacko of all times. Already, you know that he has social problems, a weight problem, and claims to have had only one sexual encounter, and not even by choice, so shouldn't that alone tell you something? To that, I have only one thing to say, and that is that it takes a damn fool to run into a burning building while everyone else is running the hell out. Thinking people think, Taira, and no disrespect to your religious belief, but I believe that there are eleven Commandments, with the first being, "Thou Shall Protect Thou Own Ass First!" In short, what I am saying is that to visit this man or not visit him is entirely your choice, but to do so without someone covering your back is dumb. Thus, before you take this trip, make sure that someone, a good friend, family memember, or someone you trust knows where you will be-- that they have this man's name, address, phone number, e-mail address, and the best discription you can give of him. Let some trusted someone know where he works, hang-out, go to school, and the whole nine as you and this man should have discussed this already in your general talks so therefore, you should be able to tell anyone whatever, and if not, red light! But even given that amount of information, who knows where the truth lies? Consequently, I say that if you insist on meeting this man, meet him at a public place, in the broad daylight, with tons of people around. Also, when you arrive at this place, call whomever back home and tell that person that you have arrived safely and where you are exactly. Also, insist on staying at a safe and secured hotel and talk with him in the lobby or its nightclub or somewhere, but not in your room. And another thing, have security to escort you back to your room, and by all means, don't drink any alcohol. Leastwise, no more than you know you can handle, and even then, go to the bar and purchase your own drinks and guard them carefully. It is so unfortunate that we are living in the world we are living in, but the reality is that there are people out there who will harm you in a heartbeat, and these people can not be spotted by any special appearances. Rapists and serial killers wear three piece Amanti suits, are handsome, speak easy, and the whole bit, too. They have AIDS, also. Sorry, but you asked for my opinion, and my opinion is to not meet with this guy. At least not on his own turf--at least not now--at least not until you have taken a little more time to bounce some more thoughts off beamer.Wish you well. Responded: Yvonnedo   Hi Taira,Im not very good at explaining things that i want to say, so bare with me...I don't think God is angry with you...it would take a lot more then what you did to make him angry...he loves you so much, and understands the emotions and thoughts that we go through.. as for having sex with this guy, you shouldn't do it.. if you hear that little voice telling you to wait then you should wait... take things slow, and keep praying...God will give you the answers..let him guide you, and trust him with all your heart. he knows what you need, and exactly what you can handle. i hope this helps.... Responded: sweetybird   Pages:     1   2    Next