Quote - Aphorism - Proverb
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Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
Category: Age Author: Dave Barry
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Category: Alcohol Author: Dave Barry
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If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
Category: America Author: Dave Barry
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Category: Babies Author: Dave Barry
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Category: Baseball Author: Dave Barry
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I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Category: Basketball Author: Dave Barry
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In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry.
Category: Business Author: Dave Barry
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
Category: Committees and Meetings Author: Dave Barry
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User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
Category: Computers Author: Dave Barry
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Category: Dancing Author: Dave Barry
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Category: Dieting Author: Dave Barry
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Category: Dogs Author: Dave Barry
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
Category: Driving Author: Dave Barry
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I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body.
Category: Football Author: Dave Barry
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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
Category: Holidays Author: Dave Barry
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Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
Category: Holidays Author: Dave Barry
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The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed an inflated notion of the importance of everything they do, so that before long they would turn housework into just as much of a charade as business is now. They would hire secretaries and buy computers and fly off to housework conferences in Bermuda, but they'd never clean anything.
Category: Housework Author: Dave Barry
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Category: How True Author: Dave Barry
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Category: Kindness Author: Dave Barry
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When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
Category: Leadership Author: Dave Barry
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