Holidays [1] [2]

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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
Category: Holidays Author: Mark Twain

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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
Category: Holidays Author: Ambrose Bierce

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Woman in the home has not yet lost her dignity, in spite of Mother's Day, with its offensive implication that our love needs an annual nudging, like our enthusiasm for the battle of Bunker Hill.
Category: Holidays Author: John Erskine

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That which distinguishes this day from all others is that then both orators and artillerymen shoot blank cartridges.
Category: Holidays Author: John Burroughs

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Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken.
Category: Holidays Author: Bill Dodds

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I also hate those holidays that fall on a Monday where you don't get mail, those fake holidays like Columbus Day. What did Christopher Columbus do, discover America? If he hadn't, somebody else would have and we'd still be here. Big deal.
Category: Holidays Author: John Waters

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I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Category: Holidays Author: Author Unknown

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Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
Category: Holidays Author: Ambrose Bierce

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An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.

Category: Holidays Author: Irv Kupcinet

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Gluttony and surfeiting are no proper occasions for thanksgiving.
Category: Holidays Author: Charles Lamb

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Happy We-Stole-Your-Land-and-Killed-Your-People Day!
Category: Holidays Source: from the movie Sweet November

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Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Category: Holidays Author: Ambrose Bierce

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What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Category: Holidays Author: Erma Bombeck

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I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the "history" I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America's traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it's a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.
Category: Holidays Author: Ellen Orleans

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Thanksgiving Day, a function which originated in New England two or three centuries ago when those people recognized that they really had something to be thankful for - annually, not oftener - if they had succeeded in exterminating their neighbors, the Indians, during the previous twelve months instead of getting exterminated by their neighbors, the Indians. Thanksgiving Day became a habit, for the reason that in the course of time, as the years drifted on, it was perceived that the exterminating had ceased to be mutual and was all on the white man's side, consequently on the Lord's side; hence it was proper to thank the Lord for it and extend the usual annual compliments.
Category: Holidays Author: Mark Twain

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Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.
Category: Holidays Author: Norman Vincent Peale

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Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?
Category: Holidays Author: Bill Watterson

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Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.

Category: Holidays Author: Benny Hill

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Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.
Category: Holidays Author: Richard Lamm

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If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?
Category: Holidays Author: Don Meredith

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