Man: I like waking early in the morning.
Woman: Are you sure you haven't missed an "n" out of that sentence?

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful
Well they do say that love is blind!

My husband is a man of many parts
Pity they weren't put together properly!

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Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

I've come to ask for your daughters hand in marriage.
Well you'll have to take the rest of her too or the deals off!

Girls whisper that they love me.
Well they'd hardly say it out loud now would they!

They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.
They're the perfect match, she lies jogging and he's on the run from the law!

They're the perfect match, she works in the chip shop and there is something fishy about him!

They're the perfect match, she's a geologist and he's on the rocks!

Hey, you just shot my wife.
I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine!

When plus and minus got married they had an addition to the family. The thing is though he turned out to be a problem child!

Don't you think that man over there is the ugliest person you've ever seen.
He's my husband.
Oh dear, I am sorry.
Your sorry!

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If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea
And if I was your husband I'd drink it!

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and said, "There is a burglar in the kitchen eating my home made steak and kidney pie"
"Oh dear", said her husband "Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance!"

My brother fell in love with his wife the second time he met her.
He didn't know how rich she was the first time!

She wears her engagement ring on the wrong finger.
She probably feels she's engaged to the wrong man!

What did you get your girlfriend for Christmas?
A bottle of toilet water, it cost a fortune.
If you'd have come round our house you could have had as much water from out toilet as you wanted for free!

He has a leaning towards redheads.
Yes, but they keep pushing him away!

Sir, I'd like your daughter for my wife
Can't she get one of her own!

She was two thirds married once.
What do you mean?
Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didn't!

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp.
The Genie will only grant him one wish.
The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth.
"POOF" the Genie turns him into a woman!

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Do you love me?
Of course
Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear
Lemon meringue pie!

Woman: I wish I had a penny for every boy that's asked me out.
Man: Wow, so you'd have enough to use a public lavatory then!

Why is your face all scratched?
My girlfriend said it with flowers.
How romantic.
Not really, she hit me round the head with a bunch of thorny roses!

I'm not rich like Jack, don't have a mansion like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but
I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too, but what was that you said about Martin!

She's such a nice bird.
She must be if she goes out with a worm like you!

The computer dating agency picked me out as an ideal boyfriend?
But who wants to go out with a computer!

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His girlfriend returned all his letters.
I bet she marked them "second class male!"

I wish you were on TV
Would you love me if I were a TV star?
No, but I could switch you off!

Boys fall in love with me at first sight.
Yes but at the second sight they realise they can't stand you!

Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the world
What was I wearing?

My boyfriend is really clever, he has brains enough for two.
He sounds like the right boy for you!

I can't leave you.
Do you love me that much?
It's not that, your standing on my foot!

I got a lovely kitten for my girlfriend.
I wish I could make a trade like that!

My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her!

I wouldn't say your girlfriend has a big mouth, but when she yawns her ears vanish!

When I grow up I'm going to marry the boy next door
I'm not allowed to cross the road!

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I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!

They're perfectly matched. He's blinded by love and her looks are out of sight!

Julie's boyfriend told her he'd lost all his money
What did she say?
I'll miss you darling!

Before she was married your sister turned her husband's head with her good looks. Now she turns her stomach with her cooking!

Now that we are engaged I hope you'll give me a ring.
Of course. What's your phone number?

My girlfriend has beautiful long hair all down her back.
What a pity its not on her head!

I can marry anyone I please.
But you don't please anyone!

My wife is one in a million
Really, I thought she was won in a raffle

Boss: Why do you want time off next week?
Employee: To get married
Boss: What stupid woman would marry you?
Employee: Your daughter!

If Miss Piggy married Mr Back she'd be Piggy Back

Have you noticed how many girls don't want to get married these days
No, how do you know
I've asked all of them!

The girl I marry will have to be able to take a joke
That's the only kind your going to get!

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