What a Woman Wants in a Man

at age 20
What I Want In A Man, Original List
Handsome
Charming
Financially Successful
A Caring Listener
Witty
In Good Shape
Dresses with Style
Appreciates the Finer Things
Full of Thoughtful Surprises
An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


at age 30
What I Want In A Man, Revised List
Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
Opens car doors, holds chairs
Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
Listens more than he talks
Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
Can carry in all the groceries with ease
Owns at least one tie
Appreciates a good home cooked meal
Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
Seeks romance at least once a week


at age 40
What I Want In A Man, Revised List
Not too ugly - bald head OK
Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
Shaves on most weekends


at age 50
What I Want In A Man, Revised List:
Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
Doesn't belch or scratch in public
Doesn't borrow money too often
Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Appreciates a good TV Dinner
Remembers your name on occasion
Shaves on some weekends


at age 60
What I Want In A Man, Revised List:
Doesn't scare small children
Remembers where bathroom is
Doesn't require much money for upkeep
Only snores lightly when awake
Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
Usually wears some clothes
Likes soft foods
Remembers where he left his teeth
Remembers when..


at age 70
What I Want In A Man, Revised List:
Breathing




Top 10 Men Rules

Rule 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.


Quiz: How To Make Women Happy
The Point System

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)


Social Engagements At a Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)


Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)


A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)


A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)


When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)


The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)



Computers Must Be Male (10 Reasons)

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.


Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Freak

15. During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.

14. Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.

13. The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"

12. After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.

11. He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.

10. Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 PM Monday night.

9. He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."

8. "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."

7. If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.

6. When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"

5. Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."

4. She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.

3. Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.

2. His TV remote has a PIN number.

1. She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.



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