Who Do We Match With - and Why
Match? Match I hear you cry, is there such a thing? It makes it all sound like a game of Snap. Well yes I think there is such a thing. Who do we match with? I think the first issue is to know who we are and what we are about. Once we know this then we can work out who we can possibly match with. That innocent comment is where a lot of people fall down. I am often surprised how little people take a good look at themselves. You may feel that you perfectly suit Brad Pitt or Pamela Anderson but then do you really know much about them?
Sure we often want to match ourselves with people of certain look and physical properties and that is entirely natural. However if we weigh 300 lbs and have never seen the inside of a gym then I think its fair to say that we may not be the perfect match to a sportsman or a model. Why? Well simply because nature tells us that we match with likes. On a base level we are here, says nature, to procreate and so we select accordingly.
That of course on its own would be too shallow a premise to write this article but the first element of any match is physical compatibility. Matching with someone on a purely physical level is not enough to last. Sex is a part of any relationship to some degree so looks do matter, even if to a small extent. After all you must be able to wake up next to that person for months or years to come, and you must want to be able to make love to them in some form, even if its simply kissing. I often here some people say that appearance is not important to them and I am always impressed. What they really mean is that looks are not important as along as you like the look of that person already. Looks are only ever important if you do not!
Many relationships fail where sex is missing or unsatisfactory, where physical contact in many forms is lost. When that occurs the foundations of a relationship can be rocked so we must say that appearance and therefore physicality in any match is an important factor. The first thing you may look at when you meet someone may be their eyes, smile, teeth, hair, handshake, kiss and physique etc. They are all physical attributes.
The other problem about matching physically is that we may not truly know how physically attracted we are until much further into a relationship we are. It may be sometime before physical intimacy is shared and sexual contact occurs. Therefore an emotional, even love, match may have already developed further. But we do try matching with people, look at fashion. The way we dress and the way we appear in daily life speaks volumes about who we are. Maybe money is tight and we don't have the cash to look our best. That is true. But what we can do for ourselves by way of presentation comes through loud and clear. Not making an effort is the biggest criticism I hear about guys on a first date. If a woman makes a great deal of effort then a man should respect himself and his date enough to look as good as he can do too.
Okay so we also know that in time appearance and the physical aspects of a relationship become far less important as we get to know a person emotionally and that mental contact with someone becomes far more powerful an influence. Yet initially matching with someone it is still extremely important. We all discuss, chat, talk, debate, joke, laugh, speak etc and it is all because we are identifying with each other and building the foundations of an emotional connection. It may be found in a shared experience or hobby, activity or event. It may be found in opposing powerful views discovered in conversation accompanied by profound respect and deep seated desire to extend this connection further. It may be that we share the same type of pet, a similar liking for certain foods even similar books we read, but they are emotional connections that are essential in establishing any connection. As we can see, initial matching is a complex scenario.
The next important factor in any match is location. I could match with someone right now in Australia, but unless I am in Australia then it doesn't help me begin a relationship. I may consider flying to Australia to meet my match but then can I sustain my match and help us grow? Well of course that depends on the two individuals involved, their circumstances, position, age, regularity of meeting and planned future. The reality as we know for single people is that long distance matches tend not to work unless both parties come together quite quickly after meeting. I agree that some long distance matches do and will work really well, but it is not the norm. So what I am arguing here is that when we look at who we match with, let's be reasonably certain that our locality to those we meet and match with allows for a relationship to develop. Whilst I may meet someone in Los Angeles who is perfect for me, unless I am prepared to move, visit often or relocate then maybe my match is not my best choice for me.
One thing often overlooked in matching with someone is humour. Yes we often specify that someone must have a great sense of humour. And everyone reading this will say, yes they have a great sense of humour. To them! And that's the killer qualifier. The sense of humour in a high quality match between two people is where it is shared and unquantifiable. Where the humour is at a subtly understood level is essential. What makes one person laugh does not make another person laugh. And yet I watch so many people co exist without every laughing together and it makes me sad. A solid relationship will have moments where common laughter is essential, where the sense of humour between two people is almost unspoken. That I believe is one of the key ingredients in any true match. You may really be attracted to someone but of they don't make you laugh you may be wasting your time.
Background sometimes has an influence in a good matching scenario because it has prepared you both with similar social experiences and belief systems. This may be true of schooling, parental experiences, locations lived in, travel undertaken, or even just activities and sports accomplished. This is a wide area and there are no definites but we do know from decades of surveys and evidence that people do tend to stay romantically within their own social strata. This means that people stay with those who they feel most comfortable with. This may be because their common experience and understanding promotes the feeling of a good match.
Outlook on life really is underestimated. If you both have the same goals in life you may make a great match. If you have differing career goals, travel plans, ambitions and personal goals, you could be wasting your time together. There is a huge temptation to offer to compromise when you really meet someone you feel you match with. This may be the wrong thing to do. Because what you are doing is compromising for now. You haven't solved anything that is important to you, you have simply put it on hold. It may come back to haunt you. Then again you may feel terribly happy to move to San Diego, relocate to Seattle, or cohabit in Anchorage. Often life has no set paths and so this could be perfect to allow the match to develop properly. But the reality is that you both should hold some common opinions and values, maybe in terms of religion, social beliefs or simple views on life and children. Whatever it is, the more you share, the stronger your match is likely to be.
So in the end we meet someone. We like the look of them and they like the look of us, we laugh and chat together, we build an emotional link through conversation and knowledge and we are attracted to each other on multiple levels. We find we have a shared experience through our backgrounds and we share similar outlook on life and oh yes, we live in the same neighbourhood. Match made in heaven? Possibly and possibly not. Love is not just about matching, it is about instant chemistry, something enigmatic and mysterious, not quantifiable. For all the right reasons we can fall in love in an instant with the wrong people and then again, we can simply not find it within us to love someone who appears so right.
And for that, I have no answer.
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